I started writing this week. Finally. I said as a child that I wanted to write. I never have. Formally at least. I have too many limiting beliefs around being a writer. I don’t feel good enough. I don’t know what to write. Why would anyone want to read what I write? I even started a writers group with a friend about two years ago. And started scraps of writing here and there. I still haven’t even published a free eBook. I even stopped blogging for a while! Well for months really.
But it never goes away. I want to write. I don’t really care what sort of writer. In fact I have so many ideas that I could write in multiple genres. Elizabeth Gilbert is my hero. Because she just writes. She writes what she feels like writing. Fiction and Non Fiction. It’s quite funny really because when I first read Eat, Pray, Love I called it self indulgent twaddle.
I think I was just jealous. She just writes. And people love her writing. And she changes some lives.
In my incarnation as an astrologer, my other passion, I felt the shift recently as we ended the tumultuous Uranus/Pluto square followed by two very powerful eclipses and I felt compelled to write. I started blogging. If you look back over the last two weeks the frequency is staggering after a long absence.
And I actually started my first book.
I took a big leap.
Interestingly, at the same time, Gay Hendricks book, The Big Leap, which I first read 5 years ago, kept coming up for me everywhere. Friends posting on Facebook about discovering the book and a Shift Network training by the author which I missed but will listen to the encore tomorrow. You can also listen if you act fast!
So I took notice and started to reread.
Last night I read the part about getting sick when we hit our upper limit and are about to take the leap into our genius zone.
Around 2am this morning I woke with a severe headache and dizziness. The kind of dizziness where even turning over in bed sends the whole world in a spin and leads to getting the husband to bring a bucket to my bedside just in case. You know that feeling?
This happened right. after. starting. to. write. my. first. book.
Of course this has given me a lot of valuable reflection time seeing as I can do little but lie still and get waited on . The timing was perfect as my two girls are off school today. And I can use the iPad whilst lying horizontal.
As it became clearer and clearer that I am upper-limiting the headache eased and the dizziness has lessened.
I am meant to take that leap and write.
Yet I fear owning that to my family. It’s not a real job. Writers don’t make money. No one in my family of origin has ever done anything like this. And a ‘writer’ once crushed my dream by telling me that unless I was compelled to write every day then I am not a writer. She yucked my yum. All of these and more are my fears around being a writer.
The part about my family? Not strictly true. My Gran wrote. She wrote talks that she gave locally. Stories about her time in service. I have her writings. She was just never published. And the last New Moon was about connecting with my ancestors as well as a new beginning. My maternal ancestors are showing up for me as well as this book.
But I must overcome these fears and write. That would be my one death bed regret because it was a childhood dream.
I love writing. I don’t care if I write high literature. I just want to entertain and for others to get some kind of take away from my writing. Or for people to just enjoy it.
Because I am quite funny at times. And inspirational. And I have lead a very interesting life. I have a million stories to tell and so many have told me I should write about them.
Writing this is my way of honoring the fact that I see this as Upper Limit Syndrome. And also admitting my many limiting beliefs and fears around writing.
Because I know that once I face these shadows I can take the leap into my genius zone.
And do what I love. I can ‘conquer my hidden fear and take life to the next level’. Because the fear isn’t hidden any more.
With thanks to Gay Hendricks.
Do you have an unfulfilled childhood dream? What fears hold you back from your dream? Do you recognize your upper limit syndrome? Have you even read the book? Tell me in a comment below!
And now I need a nap.