The Shadow of Needy

The Shadow of Needy

The Shadow of Need It’s time to declare that I am needy. All my life I have attracted needy people in my life because it took me a while to acknowledge that I am needy too. I won’t go into my history because my soul chose this life. It chose the time, date and place of birth and the family I was born into. My soul chose to be born with Capricorn rising and Saturn, the ruler of Capricorn, conjunct making me a double Capricorn rising. Capricorn rising are seen as reserved, a little stand offish, competent and diligent. As children they are seen as ‘the responsible one’. And that was me. Oldest child with three younger brothers. Babysitting from a very young age. Always worked HARD from a very young age. Always felt responsible. All my life I have struggled with the other side of this. Fear that I am not enough. Which, is of course, complete BS, we are all enough. This caused me to try to prove that I was so very powerful and strong ALL THE TIME! I put up walls with friendships because I feared that if I dropped the walls and showed vulnerability and neediness that I would be rejected. And I rejected those friendships that I saw as too needy. I fear being seen as weak. I fear that I am not enough. Because of this fear I do weird things like showing up at my networking group without business cards or a clear need to ask the group for. I come across as ‘I am a better than you’. Aloof and distant...

Summer Solstice 2013

As we approach the summer solstice of 2013 I am drawn to remember the solstice of the year 2000.That year the solstice was at 2.48pm GMT on the 21st. A short time after this I woke up in labor with my second child. I had a magical (yes really) labor. I labored all day at home with only a TENS machine, a couple of puffs of Gas and Air and a birthing pool for pain relief. I walked around our English garden stopping to lean on my husband every now and then when I had a contraction. I ate some homemade soup when I felt a little peckish. It was truly magical. Alice Victoria was born in the birthing pool at 5.05pm. The birds were singing outside the window and I could hear the kids playing next door. Her second name is Victoria after my Grandfather, Victor, whose birthday was also June 21st. He died many years before but it seemed to be fitting that she carries his name. Why do I tell you this on the eve of this solstice? I want to talk about how I felt that day. I was not an ideal candidate for a home birth, apparently. I was 40. My first pregnancy had ended in induction, an epidural, forceps and a baby that had to be given oxygen before I could hold her. This time I was determined to have no intervention. I learned all I could about the birth process. First time round I had relied upon the medical profession to teach me this. They didn’t. I withheld small niggles from my...