The Shadow of Need
It’s time to declare that I am needy.
All my life I have attracted needy people in my life because it took me a while to acknowledge that I am needy too.
I won’t go into my history because my soul chose this life. It chose the time, date and place of birth and the family I was born into.
My soul chose to be born with Capricorn rising and Saturn, the ruler of Capricorn, conjunct making me a double Capricorn rising.
Capricorn rising are seen as reserved, a little stand offish, competent and diligent. As children they are seen as ‘the responsible one’.
And that was me. Oldest child with three younger brothers. Babysitting from a very young age. Always worked HARD from a very young age. Always felt responsible.
All my life I have struggled with the other side of this. Fear that I am not enough. Which, is of course, complete BS, we are all enough.
This caused me to try to prove that I was so very powerful and strong ALL THE TIME!
I put up walls with friendships because I feared that if I dropped the walls and showed vulnerability and neediness that I would be rejected.
And I rejected those friendships that I saw as too needy.
I fear being seen as weak.
I fear that I am not enough.
Because of this fear I do weird things like showing up at my networking group without business cards or a clear need to ask the group for.
I come across as ‘I am a better than you’. Aloof and distant at times. As if I don’t need you because I am SO strong and powerful.
Well I hereby choose to let go of all this crap.
I choose to ask for my needs.
I choose to be needy and vulnerable AND powerful and strong.
My coach Trish said that others ‘connect to our vulnerabilities and are inspired by our power.’ Now that’s a meme-able quote if ever there was one.
So watch out for me letting go of my mask. To ripping it off.
I have been as vulnerable as I knew how up to this point but now I choose to get loud about my needs and not pretend that I am powerful and strong ALL the time so that I am stuffing my needs away, pretending they don’t matter.
Because they do.
The key to this is to:
- Accept that there really is no good or bad here. Just evolutionary lessons to learn.
- Choose to let go of what was and to BE open and vulnerable.
Needy is MY shadow. Yours may be different. This can really hold you back from BEing who you feel your are inside. I feel it was in fact holding me back from truly embracing my wild, my Empress and from BEing truly LOUD and prepared to take up space in the world.
I have to thank a few people who are helping me with this. Trish Kapinos (mentioned above), Marti Murphy for being more intuitive than she knows and identifying the word, Angella Johnson with some fabulous advice around releasing this and for bringing the topic up in the first place and Paula Mosier for offering to do a cord cutting and an awesome channelled message for me. Which, ironically, I said ‘oh I can do that for myself’ at first. Thank you for calling me out on that Paula.
I love you ladies and I need people like you in my life. Please challenge me if I am doing it all alone any time. I am also asking my helping allies to give me a gentle kick in the butt when they notice it before I do.
This all came about from a challenge to find our shadow word that really triggered us. The word that felt like a punch in the gut. The thing we really did not like about ourselves. The word NEEDY really was a big punch for me. But now I get to choose to BE and do things differently.
Is it time to open up and release your shadow that might just be the MAGIC that lets you fly free?
So, tell me, what is your shadow word? What is the one aspect of yourself that you really dislike to the degree that you will not let yourself to BE that way. If you wish to share privately email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I love to hear from you all any time!